All night mind still racing

So this is it. This is what I've been waiting for. Someone who cares. Someone who likes me. Someone who's there for me. Someone who makes me laugh. Someone... Well someone who isn't you. Well here it is and I can't even do anything about it. I want to let myself feel something, anything but pain. It's been a year, a freaking year so why is it that I can't feel anything still. All I feel is hatred and anger towards the word love or the word affection. If I start feeling happy i feel like I have to stop myself because I can't get my heart broken if I don't have a heart to get broken right? 

But you know what? I'm going to push through this. I'm going to make myself see that I deserve to be happy, cause you don't deserve me. You don't deserve some who gave up everything like I did, or loved you like I did. I deserve someone who did all the things you wouldn't. Who will show me they love me by the little things and never stop caring about me. I will find better lover stronger than yours ever was. I just got to convince myself that not everyone on this planet is a jack ass like yourself. Because unlike you, there are people left on this earth that genuinely care how others feel.