Writings

Holding on to your words are like holding on to the last drop of the summer rain. You tell me things that no one else is supposed to know, but yet it's still unsettling 

You make me feel like I'm the only one that you hold, but at nights like tonight, that feeling is not guaranteed. I know she lies in the back of your mind, i know all of this is just a figment of my dreams

Quit pulling me into you with these empty promises, quit holding on to me until the morning light when there's no future between us two, she holds the key, and I'm just the door mat on your locked up soul. 

All night mind still racing

So this is it. This is what I've been waiting for. Someone who cares. Someone who likes me. Someone who's there for me. Someone who makes me laugh. Someone... Well someone who isn't you. Well here it is and I can't even do anything about it. I want to let myself feel something, anything but pain. It's been a year, a freaking year so why is it that I can't feel anything still. All I feel is hatred and anger towards the word love or the word affection. If I start feeling happy i feel like I have to stop myself because I can't get my heart broken if I don't have a heart to get broken right? 

But you know what? I'm going to push through this. I'm going to make myself see that I deserve to be happy, cause you don't deserve me. You don't deserve some who gave up everything like I did, or loved you like I did. I deserve someone who did all the things you wouldn't. Who will show me they love me by the little things and never stop caring about me. I will find better lover stronger than yours ever was. I just got to convince myself that not everyone on this planet is a jack ass like yourself. Because unlike you, there are people left on this earth that genuinely care how others feel. 

I still believe

Last night I went to a slam poetry in Bryan and heard some of the most beautiful poems I've heard in my entire life. It really made me realize love, is real. 

I still believe in love. I believe that I'm going to find that person that will make my heart explode, and smile stay upon my face. The someone who will show me it's okay to be afraid, who will fight for me, hold me, tell me that I'm worth the tears, worth the work of a relationship. True love only comes after the puppy love has faded. I believe I'm going to be enough for that person, that I can provide happiness for them for eternity. I believe I'm going to be able to help their dreams come true, provide laughter and comfort for them every single day. I know there is a person for everyone out there, I believe it, and I can't wait for me to find the person I get to call mine ❤️

My horrible last breakup.

Whenever you start dating someone you feel this joy, and peace in you, but one day it's gone. Poof you're alone again. 

My last breakup wasn't horrible or easy it just hurt. It sucked losing my best friend and was forced to act like it didn't bother me, like it never hurt me at all. But dear God that was the buggiest lie I've ever told in my life. 

I'm not going to say names, or put anyone on blast that's immature. I want to talk about the lost and pain but happiness I found within it. I dated someone for about two years and five months or so and they were probably some of the best years of my life. We were bestfriends and almost spent every day together. He made me feel like I was everything he needed and wanted and I did the same for him. Shoot you could of asked me and I would of told you we probably would get married one day, hell as told each other that. But things happened, and we both changed and did stuff to each other that things that should of never been said. He fell out of love and in love with someone else and I got stranded, alone, and empty. 

It always seems to me that guys always move on the fastest in a break up than girls do. It wasn't even a week before he was talking to someone else and less than a month before they were dating and it hit me like a rock. I turned to alcohol to drown out the pain, and partying to keep me from being alone. At first I couldn't even think about eating And got so obsessed with working out. I exhausted my body out psychically and mentally. I let my dog slip away, it felt like a death in a family. I am fine now, don't get me wrong i have moved on. But things still get to me, like the fact that he screwed up but still got the dog, he left me broken and didn't care, but still got to fall in love again. It's not fair how life does that to you, the bad guy always ends up getting more than the victim. 

Anyways I felt like venting and talking about how my ex won, but he didn't. I'm more confidant now, happier living in college station, and more friends than I could ever ask for. It's just lonely nights and seeing small things that get me still. 

"If you think you were happy with the wrong person wait till the right one comes along" 

Late nights like tonight

I didn't start having insomnia till the end of the summer I don't know what made it start happening but it blows on nights like tonight. My mind races on and on like a freaking hamster wheel. I think about all of the could of beens, should of beens, and would of beens. I get all into my emotions cause I have nothing to distract me from doing so. Tonight, well tonight the thoughts that are running through my head are the big R word, relationships. 

The relationships I create in my life are so freaking weird. I have my best friends of course and they know who they are. I have my family, and my friends, the weird one is my relationship with guys. It's so cliché  for a girl to be complaining about guys on a blog website but whatever I'm a girl lol 

The relationships I've found this past school year living in Cstat have been.. Interesting to say the least. You have the one nighters that pretty much sums up half the population of college guys, than you have the "I don't know what I want but I still want to act like you're mine" guy, and then my all time favorite, "I really like you, but I don't want a relationship right now" guy. But I think the one that is really known is the, "I really like you... (Disappears in three days)," guy. I'm not saying girls aren't the same way cause lord knows I am. I hate emotions, I loathe them entirely, and so I don't know which category I would even put myself in. I just know I would rather not be fed the bull crap of bringing in emotions if you don't plan on acting on them. Tell the girl strait up, I just want a hook up, or if you're emotionally interested. Than maybe MAYBE people will actually trust the next person they're with. Instead of second guessing if they're going to disappear the next day. 

Just saying. 

My crazy mind.

I've had this blog since last year. My English professor made us Make one for class projects and I though I would never keep up with it but why not? I always am venting on twitter so I might as well use more than 160 characters and let the whole story be known. 

What most people don't know about me is that I had an eating disorder in high school. It stated my junior year and is something I'm still dealing with right now. I gained weight from it cause unlike most eating disorders I ate and ate and counldnt control my eating and it would make me depressed so I would eat more. My weight is something I've struggled with for years now. I don't want any sympathy lol it's just something I deal with everyday. It's one of those things that people know happen but no one really talks about it. I will go throughout my days sometimes not even be able to look in a mirror because I'm having a bad day that day. I just have to always remind my self that I am beautiful and as long as I feel beautiful whatever else the world says doesn't matter.  So here's to the day I had today, fuck you to the guy that said something, you're not even worth a tear drop. 

Romans 8:18